Starting yet again

Ok - today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm starting again. I have 11 lbs to lose, and I want to lose fat and gain muscle. I know what I need to do - I just can't seem to find the motivation. I read Marie's article on reframing our mind - our self image - it makes sense. I need to start picturing myself as trim, fit, strong, and healthy.

Today starts day one.

Ahh, the weekend

So it's Friday night - I'm sitting here watching the Sox - both dogs are sleeping, the kids are upstairs, and I'm enjoying another moment of peace. They have been few and far between lately. I actually poured myself a glass of red wine - haven't done that in a long time.

Rocky got out earlier - scooted right past me at the front door. He is not good off-leash - takes off every time. I looked for him, then decided to see if he came back. The kids were worried so we started the car - then the phone rang - it was one of our neighbors - Rocky and their dog were playing. I thanked him profusely and hopped in the car to go retrieve my renegade pooch. Rocky happily jumped in the car and after thanking the guys again, we drove home. Theo was quite worried and gave Rocky a hero welcome.

Amanda's cell phone was dead when I got home from work, so rather than having her with no phone all weekend (at games, etc.) I decided to jump back in the car and take her to the phone store to get it fixed or replaced. That's 40 minutes away in good weather, and we're having what feels like a monsoon. I didn't realize how bad the flooding was until we were halfway there. We made it safely - it turns out that the place that her charger plugs into had a bunch of gunk in it - the tech cleaned it out and got it working again. Saved me at least $30 to replace it - more if she had had to pick a new model. That was worth 1/4 tank of gas.

Sox are winning - I'm so glad it's the weekend. I have 3 months to lose weight before vacation. I can't seem to control my eating - I just have to get back in that mindset. Food is fuel, nothing more. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Repeat again.

My floor is being weird. The laminate that we installed is popping up a bit right outside our bedroom. It goes back down when we step on it, but then goes up again. It's not something that is noticeable, but isn't right - I don't think we can do anything about it. It still looks good.

This weekend's goals: food shopping, find books at B&N on web design, clean a little, exercise a little, rest a little. Nothing too extravagant. Amanda is scheduled to have a game tomorrow if it isn't rained out, and Mike has a car wash on Sunday if it isn't raining. I'll use that time productively.

sox are up 5-1. Keith Foulke just replaced Matt Clement and he almost let in a HR and just let up a double. Thinking they should have kept Clement in...get the phone.

Oh, and my phone just rang - Amanda's game is cancelled tomorrow. What? Nowhere I have to be at the crack of dawn? Woohoo!!

Reflection

Something I have always had a hard time doing is just that - stop and reflect. I can't slow down - I can't get my brain to slow down...to analyze, to think, to look ahead and plan. I'm not a goal-setter. I live in the moment. I find it hard to see the future and I often have no interest in looking back at the past. For some people this seems so easy - they can focus, think, and act. I get stuck on the focusing and thinking parts.

I need to set some goals for myself - but I'm lost. My health, my family, my job...I live in the day-to-day and my wheels are spinning. I bought a Franklin Covey planner - it came yesterday. I have used these before but abandoned paper when I got my first Palm. Now I think there's room (and need) for both. I eagerly put all the pages in place, then started reading the guide as a refresher. I never used the system to its potential in the past, so why not start now? There they were again - analyze - goals - roles - my brain started to shut down, my eyes started to glaze over - this is going to be WORK and I can't focus on it. blah.

So here I am writing in my deserted blog, trying to clear my head enough that I can get to work on planning for the weeks and months ahead - so that I will be more productive and less stressed. We'll see...

I worked on the grill tonight - I had bought replacement parts - a burner bar, a warming rack, and an ignitor. It's been raining all week so I haven't been able to go outside to work on it - but this afternoon we saw some sun, so I jumped at the chance. All went smoothly until I got to the ignitor. What a piece of junk. I got it installed but by then it had started to rain again and I couldn't get the thing to light. I don't know if it was faulty or just wet - but I took it apart and put it together again about a dozen times. The grill will light with a match, so I know it's not the burner. Oh well - even if I can never get the ignitor to work, the rest of the grill is like new.

On a totally different note, it's quiet at the moment. All I hear is the hum of the ceiling fan and the clicking of my daughter's fingers on the computer keyboard upstairs. The puppy is snoring so quietly. We were having a thunderstorm but it seems to have passed. Everything outside is green, and night is falling. I sigh. Peace. Maybe I'll go pull out that planner.

Wednesday

It feels like a Monday - because I took yesterday off from work. After doing this for a few weeks it's going to be torture to get back to a full schedule! lol

We've had three nights in the new house now, and we finally have a bed. I slept well last night. I've got three of the six window treatments up - the rest are on order and are being shipped. The plumber comes tomorrow to put in my toilet and vanity so that I won't have to shower downstairs and then go upstairs to pee and brush my teeth. I ordered new towels. I bought lamps for the bedroom and shower curtain stuff for the upstairs bath. All the animals are in - we moved the cats in yesterday and they're actually coming out of hiding now. Amanda is having a friend sleep over tonight. Mike had his first baseball game tomorrow. Normalcy is approaching.

We got our third dumpster dropped off yesterday. This will be the LAST one! All the construction debris, boxes, and stuff from the old house that we don't want will tossed in and hauled away. A friend of mine is coming to look at the trees that we want taken down - he wants the wood, and I told him he can take any or all of them and haul it away. We've marked about 15 big ones.

Working today - gotta make the most of my time because I have a lot to do and not a lot of time - so that's my entry for the day. It's sunny and I'm happy.

Looking back and looking forward

I have to do this every now and then. This is one of those times. As I read back over my posts, I can see why I'm exhausted. The events of the last few months have drained me of every ounce of physical and emotional strength that I have (well, ALMOST every ounce). Now the tides are starting to turn. It's like the feeling of riding a wave and knowing that it's almost crested, and when it does you'll start to move forward faster.

My wave is cresting - my house is nearing completion, meaning that we've crossed off almost everything on our to-do list. It will always be a work in progress, as every home is and should be, but we needed to do lots of things to bring it up to our standards and make it home, and those things are almost done. The other thing is that we've actually started sleeping there - I can't say we're moved in yet, because we still have a ton of stuff at the old house - but we're in, and it's starting to feel like home.

NOW, I need to focus on getting back on track, with food and exercise, getting my head on straight, and getting organized. I feel like a marshmallow peep in a microwave - time to cut the power and regain some control.

The temps are rising this week, and sun and warm weather always make me feel better. So as of today my wave is cresting. :)

Made me cry

On Being Mom
by Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and Author
2006

If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the black button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the yellow ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the lower lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin.

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton. Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what they taught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the, "Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame." The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, What did you get wrong? (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1.
And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their trueselves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.

The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.

Checking in

Need to ground myself for a moment and remind myself of how far we've come.

(1) torn up and replaced flooring in three bedrooms and dining/living room.
(2) cleaned existing carpets in weight room, foyer, stairs, and mud room
(3) Knocked down wall in kitchen and closet in bedroom
(4) Installed exterior french door in bedroom
(5) Installed wainscotting and trim in bedroom and bathroom
(6) Painted three bedrooms, living/dining room, kitchen, weight room, and one bath
(7) Had lock changed
(8) Purchased new washer/dryer & dishwasher
(9) Started installing bathroom floor
(10) Purchased vanity and sink for one bath
(11) Arranged for installation of 2 new toilets and one pedestal sink
(12) Installed water softening system
(13) Measured for new deck
(14) Arranged for replacement of shower/tub
(15) I'm sure there's more...

Still to be done:

(1) Finish painting weight room
(2) Finish flooring in downstairs bath and install hardware
(3) One more coat of paint in kitchen, and inside cabinets
(4) Install doors on old wood bin to make closet
(5) Replace flooring and paint in laundry room
(6) Paint mud room
(7) Paint hallway/stairs walls
(8) Install curtains & shades
(9) Get help with scary upstairs bathroom
(10) Install doors on old closet in weight room
(11) Major yard work (where to begin?)
(12) MOVE IN!!!
(13) Then there will be more, I'm sure.

Make it STOP!!

This seems to be a theme in my entries. This has been the longest, most stressful week I've had in some time. Work is nutty, my boss has no clue how long it takes to complete the projects he's giving me, the puppy is adorable but demands constant attention, my other dog is trying to play the big brother. We still have lots of work to do on the house and limited time to get it done, and the clock is ticking. I'm exhausted, stretched, overwhelmed, and I feel like crap. Maybe this was the wrong week to stop taking my anxiety meds...oy.

Combatting stress

This is a lesson that I learned a few times already - but have to keep fresh in my memory. Holding onto stress and trying to fix everything to make it work right only makes me crazy. "If this happens, then that will happen, then we can do this...but if that DOESN'T happen then this will happen and we can't do that or someone won't be happy...BUT if I do THIS and THAT then maybe it will work.............."

Jeez, louise, learn your lesson girl! Whatever is going to happen will happen no matter how much I try to fix it. I'm not completely responsible for everyone's happiness - I can only help the people who want to be helped - and helping doesn't mean doing everything for them. I have to learn to let go - and not to take things personally when I get slammed or ignored by someone I'm bending over backwards for. If I stay in the right frame of mind I can do that - but when I let my guard down and start to care it crushes me.

Thank god for Mike - he is a true lifesaver and the love of my life.

To Mom

I went to the house this morning and you wouldn't let me in. I saw the lock turn with my very own eyes. I asked you to please let me in - and when I tried the lock again you did.

I walked into the living room and knew you were there - no one has been there for days but me, and the chair in the corner was facing the wall. In the bedroom there was a drop of something sticky on the floor - like melted candy. No one in my family eats stuff like that - and no one has been there but me.

It's been 3 years today - so it was no surprise that you would make yourself known. Yes, it is my house now, but a part of it will always be yours and you are always welcome there.

I wish you hadn't ripped yourself out of all the photos of us just because you didn't like the way you looked. They were special to me. I still found some intact, though, amidst all the boxes, and your photo is on my bureau.

Love you, mom.

Sleep fairy?

Too much stress - need to sleep for a week. Went snowboarding and that helped a bit. Just tired and stressed...

Had a crazy busy weekend

Spent most of the weekend pulling up carpet, tile, and filling the humongous dumpster in the backyard. Emptied the downstairs crawlspace too. It's looking good, though.

Finding my way back to sanity

Things are calming down a bit...maybe the calm before the storm, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

(1) We moved my dad into his new place
(2) We're ALMOST done with moving his crap out of his old place
(3) We finished the estate work with the lawyer
(4) We told our landlord we're moving
(5) President's week is over
(6) Mike is away this week (not good that he's away, but getting through this means I can cross one more stressor off the list)
(7) Kids are on vacation - crazy schedules are on hold for now
(8) My boss is on vacation too

The next few months are going to be huge in the way of transition, but I know through the whirlwind we'll get through it. I'm just happy to not be in limbo anymore.

oh, so tired...

Wah, wah, wah. I'm whining. I've felt like crap for almost 2 weeks now - fighting a cold - losing then starting to win then losing again. It's really zapping my energy. Stress is, too - the stress of moving my dad, planning our renovations and the thought of packing up all our crap - it's all enough to make me want to sleep for a week. Now my brother is coming home for a week - which would normally be a good thing, because he can help us with the packing and all, but I know that he's really just coming home because we're doing estate planning - with which I will be given power of attorney for my dad's financial dealings, I'll be named executor of his will, also given power of attorney for his medical decisions should he be incapacitated, etc. The house is also going to be turned over to me, with the agreement that we pay off the mortgage. I told my brother that whatever net equity is in the house right now he will get in cash when dad dies. That will be updated in the will. The power of attorney is simply because since I'm paying all of his bills I have to be able to discuss his accounts with his creditors. It doesn't mean that I'll be taking his money. I understand that my brother doesn't want to get screwed, but he needs to understand that he's on the opposite coast from us and I'm the one here doing all the work - he'll get his equal share of the estate, I'll make sure of that.

I've been taking excedrine daily - which I don't usually need. A tropical vacation would be nice...but I just bought a dishwasher, washer & dryer yesterday to replace the ones in the house that are circa 1980...

Busy weekend, more just beginning

It was truly a busy weekend. I went snowboarding saturday, then to my daughter's bb game, then to my dad's to help him pack. Sunday was grocery shopping, 5 hours of packing and hoeing, and then the rest of the evening posting unwanted treasures on ebay. Today my hubby met with the electrician and the water filtration guy at the house, because it's his day off. I went to the cell phone store to replace his phone and re-evaluate our plans.

The coming weeks and months are going to be a whirlwind, with little to no downtime. But it will be worth it in the end...come summer when we're in our own home, renovated and decorated to our specifications. I cant' wait.

oh, and I won $100 on the football pool! :)

Friday and all is calm for the moment

I have been eating well for three days now, and am feeling more in control of things. I have exercised (not including snowboarding) for two days in a row, which is huge, considering that I haven't been to the gym in months. I ran yesterday on the treadmill and lifted today. My job now allows me a little more flexibility in the morning, which is great. I don't ALWAYS have to get to the gym at 5:30 if I don't want to - I can go at 7:30 after the kids leave for school and still get to work by 9:00, and that's fine. When I snowboard I'll get there between 9-9:30, and if I was REALLY ambitious, on those days I could even hit the gym early (but I'm not, so I don't think that will happen).

Planning and packing will likely take up much of this weekend. Fun fun fun!

One day down...

Did well eating on track yesterday. I avoided the rolls at dinner and didn't reach into the freezer to have one of those yummy cream puffs that live in there.

Today so far I've had my Ezekiel toast, a HB egg, and I'm going to have roast beef rollups for lunch. Lots of water, and I'm feeling more in control already.

Taking dad later to the estate lawyer to get his whole situation straightened out. Health insurance, will, power of atty, house, etc. That will be a relief when it's all said and done.

Getting back on track...

No more cinnamon bread
No more beer
No more chips
No more cookies
No more muffins
No more granola bars
No more rice
Less almonds
Less veggies for now
Less carbs
More exercise
More "real food"
Less weight
Less bloat
Happier me

Oh, and 5 runs this morning on crappy snow made for some serious exercise - I'm sore now.

Five runs in fresh powder

...pure heaven.

Twists and turns

Ok - I took a week off from snowboarding - it helped that it was raining - but my ankle still hurts. Oh well - I'm not staying off it all winter. I went up and took some runs this morning - beautiful.

Found an apartment for dad. Small studio in my friend's house. It will do for a while. Put him on the list for the local retirement home - which is BEAUTIFUL. He's 12th on the list, though, so it could be a while before his name comes up.

Getting ready to move him out of his house, then clean it up and start work on it so we can move in...except that I found out today that it was assessed for almost double what he told us. That could put a MAJOR kink in the works - as far as getting a mortgage goes. Well, maybe we'll rent it from him for a while. Bummer. Gotta make the move, though - found out that our landlord is looking at realtors - which means she's going to sell the house we're in and we'll have to find a place anyway. This sure is a roller coaster.

Gonna play hard, gotta pay the price

I went snowboarding this morning, like I've been doing every day this week. I take 3-4 runs then I go to work. Well, it's been a little icy, but I've been working on my speed and got some really great runs in yesterday.

This morning I got off the lift, there was about 2" of fresh powder (not much, but enough to cover the ice). I started off, gaining speed, having fun, then BAM! I don't know how I did it, but I was on a flat and I did a tumble-faceplant - bad enough that the guy behind me stopped to see if I was ok. My goggles came off, and when I stood up my ankle hurt. I thought I was going to have to heel down the entire mountain because it hurt to go onto my toe edge. I sat for a minute, pondering the situation. Then I got up, deciding to make the best of it. After a few minutes of carefully staying on my heel edge, I tested toe - not too bad. I was able to take slow, long turns and stick to an easier trail till I got to the bottom. Then I went to work - one lousy run, but I didn't want to push it.

Now I have a scrape on the bridge of my nose from my goggles, a swollen cheek, and a sore ankle. My boss said I should "get back on the horse" and go tomorrow - I will if my ankle feels ok. My new name here at work is Crash.

Gotta pay to play...

I am Supergirl...

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You are Supergirl

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Lean, muscular and feminine. Honest and a defender of the innocent.

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