It's all working it's way out

Well, I went in to work this morning and told Neil that I had applied for the other job. Last night I sat down at the computer and put all my thoughts on paper so that I'd have a clear head about it, and I got it done first thing this morning. I had to. I went into work and immediately started to shake. The longer I waited the worse it was going to get. I pulled together a bunch of things I needed to talk to him about and just walked into his office.

I went over all the things I needed to, then told him about the ad in the paper. I told him that I applied for it - that I had been at this company for almost 5 years, and for my own professional development and personal growth I felt that it was time for me to do something different. He seemed to understand that. I told him it was not a reflection of how I felt about the company, and that it had been a very difficult decision to make, but that the position interested me and that I felt that it would be a positive move for me.

He was actually very cool about the whole thing. He was concerned about logistics during the busy foliage season and how the work would get done regarding coordinating the tour buses (which is my job). He said that he would ask Valerie if I would be able to work it into my schedule that I could be available one day a week or so to still help out with that until the crunch is over. I told him I wouldn't leave them hanging - of course I say that because in the interest of long-term relationships and due to the fact that I will still have contact with him, and that this is a small town, this is a very small price to pay. I would help train someone anyway, but the chances of them hiring someone in the next month are slim, so it's going to be tough for them. This will help preserve our working relationship in the long run, for sure. Hey, I still have to work with the guy on some level or another.

I do feel better now. Now my nervousness is more about starting a new job than anything. I've cleared three big hurdles today. The first one was talking to him, the second was having Valerie talk to him also and then call me and formally offer me the job, and the third was being offered the salary that I expected and not having him knock it down a few grand. Whew! I need a drink...

The rest of this week at work I will start to tie up loose ends. I'll be finishing projects that I've started, taking care of things that need to be taken care of, I'll start cleaning out personal things, etc. I've already cleaned out most of what I need to on my computer. I need to let my clients know where I'm going. I need to write down what I do because no one there really has a clue and if I were to just up and leave they wouldn't know... things like that.

Next week I'll be on vacation. One glorious week in Maine - I can't wait! We've been waiting far too long for this vacation and it's almost here.

When we get back the kids start school that Monday, and that week I'll spend finishing up the last of the loose ends and I'm sure I'll spend some time with my boss showing him around my office. We'll also go over my temporary part time schedule. I start my new job on Sept 6th...oh, but that's a holiday, so I get paid but I don't have to work - lol. Valerie said "What a way to start a new job - how cool is THAT?". My first day in the office will be Sept 7th. :)

Glad this week is over...

I'm still having a hard time getting used to journaling at LCT and blogging over here, but I like having both. Having this place allows me to be a little freer and a little deeper with my thoughts, even though I might not update it as consistently.

As I wrote over there, I got a clear sign today about my decision regarding the new job. I was waffling - trying to distinguish what it was that my gut was telling me. I couldn't hear it because the money was getting in the way. This morning I did what I haven't done in a long time - I asked for a sign - something that I wouldn't miss. We were so busy today - it was my day on the front desk - we had check out after check out, the phone wouldn't stop ringing, reservations galore, maintenance calls, etc...it was just non-stop. In the midst of all this P comes in and asks me to make her a dinner reservation for tonight. I couldn't believe it. Now, P is the most thoughtful, caring, wonderful person I have ever known, but every now and then she does something like this that makes my jaw drop and I just go "huh?" I shake my head in disbelief but I say "sure, no problem" with a smile. What I'm really thinking is "why can't you pick up the phone and do it yourself?". Then I had to call her and tell her that the restaurant couldn't take her at the time she wanted. She said she'd call her friend and CALL ME BACK. She did to tell me she'd made other arrangements at another restaurant - but I still had to call and cancel the first reservation that I'd made for the only time that they could take her.

This told me two things: That I have to leave this job, and that moving into my father's house is the right thing to do too. It will break all ties. P and I can still be friends and friends only, and I can start new with work.

Funny how things work out when you look.

I also stopped at the bank on my way home. The lady that I always see at the drive-through window who is SO nice and always remembers my name wasn't there. Then she ran up to the window from somewhere else in the bank to say hi - she said that she hasn't been there much. She just found out that she has breast cancer so she's had to take some time off. I gave her hugs through the window and wished her the best of luck.

Life is too short. Screw the money. I'm taking this job.

Money isn't everything...

So why am I having such a hard time with this? This morning I had the meeting that I've been waiting for. The job is mine. It will allow me to have some flexibility, some creativity, work with awesome people, use my strengths, and get out from under the thumb of a man who has caused me stress for the last five years. The kicker is that I take not a $3,000 pay cut like I thought but a $6,000 pay cut (I just did the math). Yikes. I already took a $6,000 pay cut earlier this year at THIS job. This is incredibly humbling. Not only is this hurting my pocketbook but my pride too. I have to get over that part. The pocketbook is the important part. I need to be able to pay my bills. I just feel like I'm moving backwards. How the hell are we ever supposed to get ahead if I keep taking pay cuts? But am I supposed to stay in a job that I hate because the pay is somewhat decent (not awesome, but decent)?

Ugh...ugh...ugh...

Quite a crazy day...

It was busy!! Between getting the triglyceride numbers mixed up by the nurse, to the chest pains, I have had enough of medical stuff for one day. I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful, calming doctor who took the time to explain everything to me and made me feel at peace about everything. He's the best. I'm also grateful for all my online friends who took the time to check in on me and make sure I was ok. (((hugs)))

Tomorrow I meet with V about the potential job. The ad comes out in the paper tomorrow morning so it will finally be safe for us to talk openly about it. Hopefully she'll be able to make me an offer and it will be something I can accept. *crossing fingers* From the tone of our conversations over the last few days, though, I feel pretty positive about it. Once that hurdle is behind me and I give my notice I can go on vacation and move forward...

Chest pains

I got quite a scare tonight. Just about when Mike was getting ready to leave for work, I started getting strange aches in my chest - on the left side. I ignored them, not wanting to worry anyone, and hoping that they would go away. He left for work. They got worse, and the aches turned into twinges, and radiated up into my neck - like I needed to crack my neck - but I couldn't.

I got online, but our internet connection has been sporadic and I couldn't navigate anywhere. The pages on WebMd wouldn't load. I started to get nervous as the twinges got more frequent. I tried to decide if I would wait it out, go to bed and hope that I would wake up in the morning, or if I would go to the hospital. I decided to call Mike on his cell phone. I told him not to be alarmed and calmly told him what I was feeling. He agreed that it didn't sound normal and that it at least warranted a call to the doctor.

I decided to call the hospital, rather than just go in, hoping that maybe I could talk to someone. I got the doctor on call, who happened to be my primary care doc (hooray!). He calmed me down, asked lots of questions about my symptoms, and explained that since I am so low risk, and considering what I was feeling, that he didn't think that it was my heart. He told me to take 4 Advil, put a heating pad on my chest to relax the muscles, and if the pain got worse or if my breathing got worse to go straight to the ER. Otherwise to check in with him in the morning. He's so awesome. He's the most calming doctor I've ever had. He just has this magical ability to make you feel better.

Going to bed now with my heating pad...

Head's a-spinnin'

Ok, maybe it's from too little sleep last night and too much on my mind, but my brain is tired today. Just when I think I'm plugging along fine I hit a wall. We got through little Mike's accident ok, regrouped, then BAM! We start to get a little normalized, filled the fridge, and started to get back to business with planning for my upcoming job change, and the upcoming move, and all of a sudden little Mike is starting to give us grief about it again. Ginger thinks that he may be resistant to change because of what happened to him last week - she's probably right. Maybe a few nights of HGTV will help get him excited to move - it did last time - lol.

If all goes according to plan I've got just a few short weeks left at this job. I'm glad but nervous too. I've been here for five years and it's like an old shoe. A worn out shoe, though - one that's giving me a pain in my heel. It's time. I just hope that this prospect doesn't fall through. I'll know by Friday.

Stop the ride - I want to get off...

Disappointed

I hate to start my blog on this note, but I don't feel like I want to write this entry at LCT so I'm going to write it here. I'm really disappointed in my father for not showing more concern for Mike. I knew before too long the old dad that I have known all my life would come through again. Since my mom died I've been trying to make peace with him and keep my eye on him to make sure that he's ok, and he has been relatively involved in our lives, but in the back of my mind I've known that the regular contact has mostly been because I've initiated it. Now he's talking about moving to Ireland and having us take over his house. Then Mike gets hurt and he doesn't even call for a week to see if his grandson is ok or dying. Then when I call he acts like nothing ever happened.

Is he entirely self absorbed or is he avoiding the issue because he can't deal with the thought of anyone being hurt because he's still not over my mother's accident? I don't know, but this kid deserved at least a phone call from his grandfather - and at least on his birthday, no doubt.

What my therapist has told me rings true here for sure - that I learned long ago to take care of myself and not depend on anyone because they always let me down. It started at home - with him.