That's how I felt this past weekend. Mike talked to his friend "T" who runs our softball teams (the - team that we played on until this year, and the men's team that Mike still plays on...well, until the other day, that is). It turns out that our team members who thought that Mike played too hard, in reality said that if Mike played on the - team they would quit. We were stunned. These are people that we have played with and hung out with for the better part of the last 10 years...some have come along later than others, but we've had this team for that long, and we've had some really fun times. Our kids have grown up together, we've laughed, competed hard, won, lost, sweat, partied, fought, and then laughed some more.
I had stopped playing this year because I was told by another on the team (T's friend) that others were bad-mouthing Mike, saying he played too intensely, but I had NO idea that they had formed a revolt. This just blew us both away. Yes, Mike plays seriously - he's a player and has been since he could pick up a ball - but he doesn't criticize, he's the first to help and encourage someone, he doesn't lose his temper, he doesn't throw bats and gloves like a few of the other guys, he doesn't argue, he doesn't drink during the games and after a game he usually has just one or two if that, he's just GOOD - REALLY GOOD.
Well, he waffled back and forth about how to handle this situation. We talked about it Friday night. We decided he had three options: He could continue to play on the men's team, be a really big jerk and sarcastic (which we both decided wasn't the right way to handle it), he could play even harder, like he used to years ago when he was on more competitive teams - and when they complained about it he would say "and you thought I played hard BEFORE?", or he could call another team that he knew wanted him and play for them. T was really torn up about it and isn't going to sponsor either team next year because he's sick of being in the middle all the time. Note, however, that he didn't tell them all to go pound sand when this group staged the revolt - a true friend would have said that Mike had been on the team longer than any of them, and who the hell did they think they were to make such a demand - but he didn't - he didn't have enough of a spine - not because he didn't want to stand up for Mike, but because he couldn't risk people not liking him. Mike called him on that fact - and asked him what he would have done if Mike told him he still wanted to play. T avoided the question. Then Mike asked him what he would do if he were in his situation. T said he would quit - and that he wanted to play with Mike next year - and that he would play with him anywhere. I do believe that. He's not a bad guy, just got put in a bad situation.
So Mike called the other team and asked if there was still room for him, and told the quick and dirty story. The response was "my guys would give their left nut to play with you" - lol. The deal was done. He felt better that he was on a team that wanted him, but the fact of the matter still was that our "friends" turned on us and hung us both out to dry. We have no idea why. We didn't do or say anything to any of them. We don't even see each other all winter long. We know that some of them did start to hang out more toward the end of last summer, and things were getting cliquey (sp?) but why target Mike? And last Sunday at the game we got there and there was a big tent with lots of food and it turned out that it was someone's birthday. No one called us and asked us to bring anything - I would have gladly contributed. I went up and talked to a few of the women (this was before we knew all of this), then I put my chairs near theirs, and everyone congregated on the other side of the tent. I sat by myself for the entire time. It was so blatant that I knew something was up. Even my friend who ALWAYS sits with me sat with the others.
Well, Saturday I was overcome with an intense feeling of grief. Just loss and loneliness - and strange, because these people were people we hung out with twice a week in the summer and fall, but not close close friends who I would tell my deepest secrets to. Still, I just felt overwhelming sadness. After carting the kids around and grocery shopping, I escaped for a few minutes and went to my mother's gravesite. I knelt next to her stone and the tears just came. I leaned on the stone and just sobbed. It all was just so wrong. Things had come full circle. Mike and I started our life together in Boston when we first got married with awesome friends - his friends from high school & college and their wives, and they were great. Then everyone, including us, moved away and we were alone in Vermont - then we made new friends, not the same quality, but still friends, and now we feel alone again. I'm glad we have each other but it makes me wonder why we were thrown out in the cold the way we were.
Sunday I biked the 23 miles to Mike's game - his new team is great. The atmosphere felt like that of his old team a long time ago. The guys' friendly heckling was refreshing and reminded me of years past. There were few women - only one other, actually - I introduced myself and watched the game with the kids. I cheered the guys on - and we had fun. Then we went for chinese food and went home. It was a good day.
I'm not sure how I'll be when I see the others around town. I'll probably just look away. If they come up to me and act like nothing happened then I'll have to be prepared with something but I'm not sure what. We'll see, I guess. They hurt us both - very badly. I won't forget.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
What makes a defining moment?
I've had many "defining moments" in my life - moments and events that helped to shape the person that I grew to become. I can remember events back as far as preschool age. The interesting thing is that most of the moments that I consider defining moments were negative...in first grade when I lost my rhythm stick in our class's stage production of the school assembly and my teacher blamed me for ruining the whole thing in front of everyone...in 5th grade when I was followed and harrassed by my peers constantly, all because I wasn't allowed to watch rated R movies (I couldn't see Jaws because of the woman on the poster)...being slapped by my high school boyfriend when I was 15, being raped by a senior football player when I was a junior and not telling anyone, finding nude photos that my father took and not telling anyone because I didn't want him to get in trouble, and more things that follow the strand of humiliation, secrecy and shame. As a result I've spent the better part of the recent years of my adult life digging out of that hole and finding out who I really am and becoming strong.
When trying to think of ONE defining moment in my life that I could identify as one that truly altered the path of my life, I remembered an incident way back in High School. My parents were very protective of me as a child, so much that once I hit high school I pretty much cut the cord and did what I wanted. My dad didn't like it. I stayed at friends' houses on the weekends, I went out basically when I wanted, (my parents didn't enforce a curfew, as long as I was home at a "reasonable" hour) I started working because I didn't want to rely on my dad for money - I wanted my independence, even at that young age of 14.
On this particular rainy night I wanted to go to a dance and for whatever reason my father decided he didn't want me to go. Hmph. I was going. He said no, I said yes. I picked up the phone to call a friend and he ripped it out of the wall. We started screaming at each other, which we did often, and I grabbed my coat and walked out the front door. From a parent's perspective, some would say I was a rotten spoiled brat with no respect. From my perspective it was all about getting out from under his thumb because I knew the monster that he was - he didn't respect me, he didn't respect my mother, and I was not going to let him control me. Looking back and comparing me to my own son who is now 14, I'm amazed that I had that clarity of thinking at such a young age. Even then, I had been waiting for years until the day when I could get a job - I wanted my own money, control over my own life, as much as I could have it so I didn't have to depend on him.
It was pouring rain, I ran down the street. I could hear my father in the car following me. I ducked through backyards and down sidestreets to avoid him. I made it through our neighborhood and the next. I got to the main road, and ducked into the backyard of a boy whom I knew but didn't really know that well. I hid behind his trash cans in the rain. A few minutes later his mother came out and asked if I was ok. I said "I'm fine - I'm just hiding from my dad." (okaaayyy) She asked if I wanted to come in and I said no - I'd be leaving in a minute. When I thought the coast was clear I got up and started walking down the street. The familiar headlights pulled up along side me. I kept walking. He said "Come home". I said no. He said "Please come home - for your mother. She's worried sick." I stopped, and without looking at him, got in the car and we went home.
At home, I talked to my mother, I talked to my father, and though I don't remember what we talked about, I remember going back out. I won.
This event reminds me that from that very young age I was an independent, strong, stubborn, determined, driven person that could get whatever she wanted when the stakes were high enough. I was also not unrealistic and could be tender when I was needed by the right people. I didn't hurt people - even when they hurt me - I was not vindictive - I only protected myself. Sometimes I guess that could hurt people, but they had hurt me first.
The relationship with my father over the years has gone up and down, backward and forward, and backward again, and my other personal relationships have done the same thing. Sometimes I have been a doormat and forgotten about that drive that has always lived inside me. When my children were little I didn't trust my judgement and thought I was doing everything wrong, so I felt awful about that. I had body image issues. I couldn't take criticism. The list goes on and on. My self esteem was crushed for so long until recent years, and only now am I becoming a stronger person. It's been hard, and it's still a work in progress, but I'm stronger than I've been since I can ever remember, and this exercise has helped remind me that I have had the strength in me all along.
When trying to think of ONE defining moment in my life that I could identify as one that truly altered the path of my life, I remembered an incident way back in High School. My parents were very protective of me as a child, so much that once I hit high school I pretty much cut the cord and did what I wanted. My dad didn't like it. I stayed at friends' houses on the weekends, I went out basically when I wanted, (my parents didn't enforce a curfew, as long as I was home at a "reasonable" hour) I started working because I didn't want to rely on my dad for money - I wanted my independence, even at that young age of 14.
On this particular rainy night I wanted to go to a dance and for whatever reason my father decided he didn't want me to go. Hmph. I was going. He said no, I said yes. I picked up the phone to call a friend and he ripped it out of the wall. We started screaming at each other, which we did often, and I grabbed my coat and walked out the front door. From a parent's perspective, some would say I was a rotten spoiled brat with no respect. From my perspective it was all about getting out from under his thumb because I knew the monster that he was - he didn't respect me, he didn't respect my mother, and I was not going to let him control me. Looking back and comparing me to my own son who is now 14, I'm amazed that I had that clarity of thinking at such a young age. Even then, I had been waiting for years until the day when I could get a job - I wanted my own money, control over my own life, as much as I could have it so I didn't have to depend on him.
It was pouring rain, I ran down the street. I could hear my father in the car following me. I ducked through backyards and down sidestreets to avoid him. I made it through our neighborhood and the next. I got to the main road, and ducked into the backyard of a boy whom I knew but didn't really know that well. I hid behind his trash cans in the rain. A few minutes later his mother came out and asked if I was ok. I said "I'm fine - I'm just hiding from my dad." (okaaayyy) She asked if I wanted to come in and I said no - I'd be leaving in a minute. When I thought the coast was clear I got up and started walking down the street. The familiar headlights pulled up along side me. I kept walking. He said "Come home". I said no. He said "Please come home - for your mother. She's worried sick." I stopped, and without looking at him, got in the car and we went home.
At home, I talked to my mother, I talked to my father, and though I don't remember what we talked about, I remember going back out. I won.
This event reminds me that from that very young age I was an independent, strong, stubborn, determined, driven person that could get whatever she wanted when the stakes were high enough. I was also not unrealistic and could be tender when I was needed by the right people. I didn't hurt people - even when they hurt me - I was not vindictive - I only protected myself. Sometimes I guess that could hurt people, but they had hurt me first.
The relationship with my father over the years has gone up and down, backward and forward, and backward again, and my other personal relationships have done the same thing. Sometimes I have been a doormat and forgotten about that drive that has always lived inside me. When my children were little I didn't trust my judgement and thought I was doing everything wrong, so I felt awful about that. I had body image issues. I couldn't take criticism. The list goes on and on. My self esteem was crushed for so long until recent years, and only now am I becoming a stronger person. It's been hard, and it's still a work in progress, but I'm stronger than I've been since I can ever remember, and this exercise has helped remind me that I have had the strength in me all along.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Two months later...
I can't believe it's been almost exactly two months since I've checked in here. The weather has finally gotten warmer - I got some sun over the weekend, which felt great. I went for my first bike ride and played my first softball game on Thursday. I've been running twice. Ironically, running this year seems easier than last year. Is it because I've lost some weight? It's more likely because I'm eating more carbs. Either way, I'm not complaining. I went out after not running for an entire year and ran 3 miles without stopping. I could barely do that last year when I was running 3x/week.
The kids are huge. Little Mike towers over me and finishes his freshman year of high school next Friday. Amanda is finishing up her first year of middle school and we can just about share clothes. She wore a shirt yesterday that's a little too tight for comfort on me, and is nicely loose on her but fits well. Wow. She has boobs too - she'll be 13 in October. Her dad's in denial. :)
Nothing else is really different, but even in my most hectic moments I'm trying to be peaceful to myself. I'm trying to have fun and be true to myself. It helps bring me closer to Mike, too. He's a lifesaver.
The kids are huge. Little Mike towers over me and finishes his freshman year of high school next Friday. Amanda is finishing up her first year of middle school and we can just about share clothes. She wore a shirt yesterday that's a little too tight for comfort on me, and is nicely loose on her but fits well. Wow. She has boobs too - she'll be 13 in October. Her dad's in denial. :)
Nothing else is really different, but even in my most hectic moments I'm trying to be peaceful to myself. I'm trying to have fun and be true to myself. It helps bring me closer to Mike, too. He's a lifesaver.
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