That's how I felt this past weekend. Mike talked to his friend "T" who runs our softball teams (the - team that we played on until this year, and the men's team that Mike still plays on...well, until the other day, that is). It turns out that our team members who thought that Mike played too hard, in reality said that if Mike played on the - team they would quit. We were stunned. These are people that we have played with and hung out with for the better part of the last 10 years...some have come along later than others, but we've had this team for that long, and we've had some really fun times. Our kids have grown up together, we've laughed, competed hard, won, lost, sweat, partied, fought, and then laughed some more.
I had stopped playing this year because I was told by another on the team (T's friend) that others were bad-mouthing Mike, saying he played too intensely, but I had NO idea that they had formed a revolt. This just blew us both away. Yes, Mike plays seriously - he's a player and has been since he could pick up a ball - but he doesn't criticize, he's the first to help and encourage someone, he doesn't lose his temper, he doesn't throw bats and gloves like a few of the other guys, he doesn't argue, he doesn't drink during the games and after a game he usually has just one or two if that, he's just GOOD - REALLY GOOD.
Well, he waffled back and forth about how to handle this situation. We talked about it Friday night. We decided he had three options: He could continue to play on the men's team, be a really big jerk and sarcastic (which we both decided wasn't the right way to handle it), he could play even harder, like he used to years ago when he was on more competitive teams - and when they complained about it he would say "and you thought I played hard BEFORE?", or he could call another team that he knew wanted him and play for them. T was really torn up about it and isn't going to sponsor either team next year because he's sick of being in the middle all the time. Note, however, that he didn't tell them all to go pound sand when this group staged the revolt - a true friend would have said that Mike had been on the team longer than any of them, and who the hell did they think they were to make such a demand - but he didn't - he didn't have enough of a spine - not because he didn't want to stand up for Mike, but because he couldn't risk people not liking him. Mike called him on that fact - and asked him what he would have done if Mike told him he still wanted to play. T avoided the question. Then Mike asked him what he would do if he were in his situation. T said he would quit - and that he wanted to play with Mike next year - and that he would play with him anywhere. I do believe that. He's not a bad guy, just got put in a bad situation.
So Mike called the other team and asked if there was still room for him, and told the quick and dirty story. The response was "my guys would give their left nut to play with you" - lol. The deal was done. He felt better that he was on a team that wanted him, but the fact of the matter still was that our "friends" turned on us and hung us both out to dry. We have no idea why. We didn't do or say anything to any of them. We don't even see each other all winter long. We know that some of them did start to hang out more toward the end of last summer, and things were getting cliquey (sp?) but why target Mike? And last Sunday at the game we got there and there was a big tent with lots of food and it turned out that it was someone's birthday. No one called us and asked us to bring anything - I would have gladly contributed. I went up and talked to a few of the women (this was before we knew all of this), then I put my chairs near theirs, and everyone congregated on the other side of the tent. I sat by myself for the entire time. It was so blatant that I knew something was up. Even my friend who ALWAYS sits with me sat with the others.
Well, Saturday I was overcome with an intense feeling of grief. Just loss and loneliness - and strange, because these people were people we hung out with twice a week in the summer and fall, but not close close friends who I would tell my deepest secrets to. Still, I just felt overwhelming sadness. After carting the kids around and grocery shopping, I escaped for a few minutes and went to my mother's gravesite. I knelt next to her stone and the tears just came. I leaned on the stone and just sobbed. It all was just so wrong. Things had come full circle. Mike and I started our life together in Boston when we first got married with awesome friends - his friends from high school & college and their wives, and they were great. Then everyone, including us, moved away and we were alone in Vermont - then we made new friends, not the same quality, but still friends, and now we feel alone again. I'm glad we have each other but it makes me wonder why we were thrown out in the cold the way we were.
Sunday I biked the 23 miles to Mike's game - his new team is great. The atmosphere felt like that of his old team a long time ago. The guys' friendly heckling was refreshing and reminded me of years past. There were few women - only one other, actually - I introduced myself and watched the game with the kids. I cheered the guys on - and we had fun. Then we went for chinese food and went home. It was a good day.
I'm not sure how I'll be when I see the others around town. I'll probably just look away. If they come up to me and act like nothing happened then I'll have to be prepared with something but I'm not sure what. We'll see, I guess. They hurt us both - very badly. I won't forget.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
What makes a defining moment?
I've had many "defining moments" in my life - moments and events that helped to shape the person that I grew to become. I can remember events back as far as preschool age. The interesting thing is that most of the moments that I consider defining moments were negative...in first grade when I lost my rhythm stick in our class's stage production of the school assembly and my teacher blamed me for ruining the whole thing in front of everyone...in 5th grade when I was followed and harrassed by my peers constantly, all because I wasn't allowed to watch rated R movies (I couldn't see Jaws because of the woman on the poster)...being slapped by my high school boyfriend when I was 15, being raped by a senior football player when I was a junior and not telling anyone, finding nude photos that my father took and not telling anyone because I didn't want him to get in trouble, and more things that follow the strand of humiliation, secrecy and shame. As a result I've spent the better part of the recent years of my adult life digging out of that hole and finding out who I really am and becoming strong.
When trying to think of ONE defining moment in my life that I could identify as one that truly altered the path of my life, I remembered an incident way back in High School. My parents were very protective of me as a child, so much that once I hit high school I pretty much cut the cord and did what I wanted. My dad didn't like it. I stayed at friends' houses on the weekends, I went out basically when I wanted, (my parents didn't enforce a curfew, as long as I was home at a "reasonable" hour) I started working because I didn't want to rely on my dad for money - I wanted my independence, even at that young age of 14.
On this particular rainy night I wanted to go to a dance and for whatever reason my father decided he didn't want me to go. Hmph. I was going. He said no, I said yes. I picked up the phone to call a friend and he ripped it out of the wall. We started screaming at each other, which we did often, and I grabbed my coat and walked out the front door. From a parent's perspective, some would say I was a rotten spoiled brat with no respect. From my perspective it was all about getting out from under his thumb because I knew the monster that he was - he didn't respect me, he didn't respect my mother, and I was not going to let him control me. Looking back and comparing me to my own son who is now 14, I'm amazed that I had that clarity of thinking at such a young age. Even then, I had been waiting for years until the day when I could get a job - I wanted my own money, control over my own life, as much as I could have it so I didn't have to depend on him.
It was pouring rain, I ran down the street. I could hear my father in the car following me. I ducked through backyards and down sidestreets to avoid him. I made it through our neighborhood and the next. I got to the main road, and ducked into the backyard of a boy whom I knew but didn't really know that well. I hid behind his trash cans in the rain. A few minutes later his mother came out and asked if I was ok. I said "I'm fine - I'm just hiding from my dad." (okaaayyy) She asked if I wanted to come in and I said no - I'd be leaving in a minute. When I thought the coast was clear I got up and started walking down the street. The familiar headlights pulled up along side me. I kept walking. He said "Come home". I said no. He said "Please come home - for your mother. She's worried sick." I stopped, and without looking at him, got in the car and we went home.
At home, I talked to my mother, I talked to my father, and though I don't remember what we talked about, I remember going back out. I won.
This event reminds me that from that very young age I was an independent, strong, stubborn, determined, driven person that could get whatever she wanted when the stakes were high enough. I was also not unrealistic and could be tender when I was needed by the right people. I didn't hurt people - even when they hurt me - I was not vindictive - I only protected myself. Sometimes I guess that could hurt people, but they had hurt me first.
The relationship with my father over the years has gone up and down, backward and forward, and backward again, and my other personal relationships have done the same thing. Sometimes I have been a doormat and forgotten about that drive that has always lived inside me. When my children were little I didn't trust my judgement and thought I was doing everything wrong, so I felt awful about that. I had body image issues. I couldn't take criticism. The list goes on and on. My self esteem was crushed for so long until recent years, and only now am I becoming a stronger person. It's been hard, and it's still a work in progress, but I'm stronger than I've been since I can ever remember, and this exercise has helped remind me that I have had the strength in me all along.
When trying to think of ONE defining moment in my life that I could identify as one that truly altered the path of my life, I remembered an incident way back in High School. My parents were very protective of me as a child, so much that once I hit high school I pretty much cut the cord and did what I wanted. My dad didn't like it. I stayed at friends' houses on the weekends, I went out basically when I wanted, (my parents didn't enforce a curfew, as long as I was home at a "reasonable" hour) I started working because I didn't want to rely on my dad for money - I wanted my independence, even at that young age of 14.
On this particular rainy night I wanted to go to a dance and for whatever reason my father decided he didn't want me to go. Hmph. I was going. He said no, I said yes. I picked up the phone to call a friend and he ripped it out of the wall. We started screaming at each other, which we did often, and I grabbed my coat and walked out the front door. From a parent's perspective, some would say I was a rotten spoiled brat with no respect. From my perspective it was all about getting out from under his thumb because I knew the monster that he was - he didn't respect me, he didn't respect my mother, and I was not going to let him control me. Looking back and comparing me to my own son who is now 14, I'm amazed that I had that clarity of thinking at such a young age. Even then, I had been waiting for years until the day when I could get a job - I wanted my own money, control over my own life, as much as I could have it so I didn't have to depend on him.
It was pouring rain, I ran down the street. I could hear my father in the car following me. I ducked through backyards and down sidestreets to avoid him. I made it through our neighborhood and the next. I got to the main road, and ducked into the backyard of a boy whom I knew but didn't really know that well. I hid behind his trash cans in the rain. A few minutes later his mother came out and asked if I was ok. I said "I'm fine - I'm just hiding from my dad." (okaaayyy) She asked if I wanted to come in and I said no - I'd be leaving in a minute. When I thought the coast was clear I got up and started walking down the street. The familiar headlights pulled up along side me. I kept walking. He said "Come home". I said no. He said "Please come home - for your mother. She's worried sick." I stopped, and without looking at him, got in the car and we went home.
At home, I talked to my mother, I talked to my father, and though I don't remember what we talked about, I remember going back out. I won.
This event reminds me that from that very young age I was an independent, strong, stubborn, determined, driven person that could get whatever she wanted when the stakes were high enough. I was also not unrealistic and could be tender when I was needed by the right people. I didn't hurt people - even when they hurt me - I was not vindictive - I only protected myself. Sometimes I guess that could hurt people, but they had hurt me first.
The relationship with my father over the years has gone up and down, backward and forward, and backward again, and my other personal relationships have done the same thing. Sometimes I have been a doormat and forgotten about that drive that has always lived inside me. When my children were little I didn't trust my judgement and thought I was doing everything wrong, so I felt awful about that. I had body image issues. I couldn't take criticism. The list goes on and on. My self esteem was crushed for so long until recent years, and only now am I becoming a stronger person. It's been hard, and it's still a work in progress, but I'm stronger than I've been since I can ever remember, and this exercise has helped remind me that I have had the strength in me all along.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Two months later...
I can't believe it's been almost exactly two months since I've checked in here. The weather has finally gotten warmer - I got some sun over the weekend, which felt great. I went for my first bike ride and played my first softball game on Thursday. I've been running twice. Ironically, running this year seems easier than last year. Is it because I've lost some weight? It's more likely because I'm eating more carbs. Either way, I'm not complaining. I went out after not running for an entire year and ran 3 miles without stopping. I could barely do that last year when I was running 3x/week.
The kids are huge. Little Mike towers over me and finishes his freshman year of high school next Friday. Amanda is finishing up her first year of middle school and we can just about share clothes. She wore a shirt yesterday that's a little too tight for comfort on me, and is nicely loose on her but fits well. Wow. She has boobs too - she'll be 13 in October. Her dad's in denial. :)
Nothing else is really different, but even in my most hectic moments I'm trying to be peaceful to myself. I'm trying to have fun and be true to myself. It helps bring me closer to Mike, too. He's a lifesaver.
The kids are huge. Little Mike towers over me and finishes his freshman year of high school next Friday. Amanda is finishing up her first year of middle school and we can just about share clothes. She wore a shirt yesterday that's a little too tight for comfort on me, and is nicely loose on her but fits well. Wow. She has boobs too - she'll be 13 in October. Her dad's in denial. :)
Nothing else is really different, but even in my most hectic moments I'm trying to be peaceful to myself. I'm trying to have fun and be true to myself. It helps bring me closer to Mike, too. He's a lifesaver.
Friday, April 08, 2005
The Seasons they're a-Changing
I hate winter. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Every fall I ask myself why I live in this god-forsaken state where winter lasts from November through April, and Summer is really only July and August. I'm a summer girl, through and through. Love the sun, love the heat, would bask for hours if I had the time. Then fall comes, and I know that means months of cold, snow and ice. I get depressed and hibernate until May. I live in the "Ski Capital of the East" and I have only skied twice in the 11 years that I've lived here. I used to ski all the time before we moved here. Go figure.
This year has been different. I changed jobs, and one of the perks of this job is free lift tickets to the mountain. Before, the expense always held me back. At $65/day or over a month's rent for a season's pass, it wasn't realistic. Now, it's different. Another perk was free rentals at one of the local ski shops. Ok, it was time. The kids have been bugging me for two years now - their jaws dropped when I said I was going to learn to snowboard. I rented equipment and took a lesson. Then the rest of the season was spent learning how to make turns without taking catastrophic falls, learning to keep on an edge, learning how not to fall on flats, gaining confidence, turning on steeper terrain, gaining speed, learning to relax, and having fun. The kids took me on more and more trails - some trails I'd never even been on on skis. :) Every week was an adventure and we had a great time - we laughed, we threw snowballs at each other, the kids marveled at me when I would pass them on the hill and they had to catch up with me, then they'd chastise me when I was too slow. All in all, it was great QT.
The point of this entry is that now as the seasons are changing I'm finding for the first time since I've lived in Vermont that I'm actually sad to see the snow melt. I look at the mountain longingly as I see bare spots appear - their goal is to stay open until May 1st - if that's possible, then I have 4 days left of riding - but I think that's a little unrealistic with the rain and the warm weather that we're getting. Usually I'd be getting psyched up for riding my bike, running, softball, but I'm already mourning parting with my new purple K2 Luna - just thinking about it.
So, in a few weeks, I'll have to put it away - and bring my bike to be tuned, and when I get on it, the sun will be on my back, and I'll ride a different ride, and climb those hills, and I'll swing the bat and smash that softball, and I'll go to the ocean in August and bury my feet in the sand, and enjoy the warmth of summer while it lasts...until the snow flies again and I can ride the snow again. Crazy girl.
This year has been different. I changed jobs, and one of the perks of this job is free lift tickets to the mountain. Before, the expense always held me back. At $65/day or over a month's rent for a season's pass, it wasn't realistic. Now, it's different. Another perk was free rentals at one of the local ski shops. Ok, it was time. The kids have been bugging me for two years now - their jaws dropped when I said I was going to learn to snowboard. I rented equipment and took a lesson. Then the rest of the season was spent learning how to make turns without taking catastrophic falls, learning to keep on an edge, learning how not to fall on flats, gaining confidence, turning on steeper terrain, gaining speed, learning to relax, and having fun. The kids took me on more and more trails - some trails I'd never even been on on skis. :) Every week was an adventure and we had a great time - we laughed, we threw snowballs at each other, the kids marveled at me when I would pass them on the hill and they had to catch up with me, then they'd chastise me when I was too slow. All in all, it was great QT.
The point of this entry is that now as the seasons are changing I'm finding for the first time since I've lived in Vermont that I'm actually sad to see the snow melt. I look at the mountain longingly as I see bare spots appear - their goal is to stay open until May 1st - if that's possible, then I have 4 days left of riding - but I think that's a little unrealistic with the rain and the warm weather that we're getting. Usually I'd be getting psyched up for riding my bike, running, softball, but I'm already mourning parting with my new purple K2 Luna - just thinking about it.
So, in a few weeks, I'll have to put it away - and bring my bike to be tuned, and when I get on it, the sun will be on my back, and I'll ride a different ride, and climb those hills, and I'll swing the bat and smash that softball, and I'll go to the ocean in August and bury my feet in the sand, and enjoy the warmth of summer while it lasts...until the snow flies again and I can ride the snow again. Crazy girl.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Weekend ended on a fun note
Saturday was pretty dull - trekked the kids around, took the dog to the vet to get shots, and the way things were scheduled I didn't have a good stretch of time in which to work out, do grocery shopping, or anything of substance. It was just kind of a blah day. We had pizza for dinner and Amanda had a friend over, then I took her home.
On Sunday we went snowboarding and it was GORGEOUS!! It was about 35-40 degrees and sunny, and the snow was perfect. It wasn't too crowded, because now we're getting into late season. The kids and I took three runs together, then I knew they were itching to go off and do woods trails so I told them to go have fun. I took another 5-6 runs by myself and it was great - I was able to concentrate on my form, focus, and have fun. I really did improve that day, and I had a lot of fun. It was just so great to be outside in that wonderful weather, flying down the mountain, feeling the sun on my face and just having a blast. I only fell a few times but they weren't hard falls. I'm getting better. :) I wasn't even tired when we left - I could have kept going, which tells me that I was doing better and not having to work as hard at it, even though I was doing a harder trail. Cool.
Last night we watched the Hall of Fame inductions - Bruce and U2 are two of my all-time favorites. They were so cool together! I stayed up way past my bedtime to watch. Even Mike enjoyed the show - I think we have a new U2 fan.
On Sunday we went snowboarding and it was GORGEOUS!! It was about 35-40 degrees and sunny, and the snow was perfect. It wasn't too crowded, because now we're getting into late season. The kids and I took three runs together, then I knew they were itching to go off and do woods trails so I told them to go have fun. I took another 5-6 runs by myself and it was great - I was able to concentrate on my form, focus, and have fun. I really did improve that day, and I had a lot of fun. It was just so great to be outside in that wonderful weather, flying down the mountain, feeling the sun on my face and just having a blast. I only fell a few times but they weren't hard falls. I'm getting better. :) I wasn't even tired when we left - I could have kept going, which tells me that I was doing better and not having to work as hard at it, even though I was doing a harder trail. Cool.
Last night we watched the Hall of Fame inductions - Bruce and U2 are two of my all-time favorites. They were so cool together! I stayed up way past my bedtime to watch. Even Mike enjoyed the show - I think we have a new U2 fan.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Ironic, isn't it?
I haven't been here for a while. I just redesigned my blog, and read through some of the last posts that I had written here. Aside from the job issues, some of the stuff that I'm dealing with is still the same. Dad is still a big thorn in my side - I read the comments here and they are still relevant. I will never change him. I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could either play the part of the "good daughter" or tell him to go take a hike. I'm stuck in the middle and not happy with any of it. It's taking up too much of my energy and I'm honestly trying to work through it and get to the point of acceptance, but it's not easy. My therapist is convinced that this is where the anxiety is coming from. She's probably right. So if my father just went away then my anxiety would too...wouldn't that be nice. Sad, huh?
Monday, August 16, 2004
It's all working it's way out
Well, I went in to work this morning and told Neil that I had applied for the other job. Last night I sat down at the computer and put all my thoughts on paper so that I'd have a clear head about it, and I got it done first thing this morning. I had to. I went into work and immediately started to shake. The longer I waited the worse it was going to get. I pulled together a bunch of things I needed to talk to him about and just walked into his office.
I went over all the things I needed to, then told him about the ad in the paper. I told him that I applied for it - that I had been at this company for almost 5 years, and for my own professional development and personal growth I felt that it was time for me to do something different. He seemed to understand that. I told him it was not a reflection of how I felt about the company, and that it had been a very difficult decision to make, but that the position interested me and that I felt that it would be a positive move for me.
He was actually very cool about the whole thing. He was concerned about logistics during the busy foliage season and how the work would get done regarding coordinating the tour buses (which is my job). He said that he would ask Valerie if I would be able to work it into my schedule that I could be available one day a week or so to still help out with that until the crunch is over. I told him I wouldn't leave them hanging - of course I say that because in the interest of long-term relationships and due to the fact that I will still have contact with him, and that this is a small town, this is a very small price to pay. I would help train someone anyway, but the chances of them hiring someone in the next month are slim, so it's going to be tough for them. This will help preserve our working relationship in the long run, for sure. Hey, I still have to work with the guy on some level or another.
I do feel better now. Now my nervousness is more about starting a new job than anything. I've cleared three big hurdles today. The first one was talking to him, the second was having Valerie talk to him also and then call me and formally offer me the job, and the third was being offered the salary that I expected and not having him knock it down a few grand. Whew! I need a drink...
The rest of this week at work I will start to tie up loose ends. I'll be finishing projects that I've started, taking care of things that need to be taken care of, I'll start cleaning out personal things, etc. I've already cleaned out most of what I need to on my computer. I need to let my clients know where I'm going. I need to write down what I do because no one there really has a clue and if I were to just up and leave they wouldn't know... things like that.
Next week I'll be on vacation. One glorious week in Maine - I can't wait! We've been waiting far too long for this vacation and it's almost here.
When we get back the kids start school that Monday, and that week I'll spend finishing up the last of the loose ends and I'm sure I'll spend some time with my boss showing him around my office. We'll also go over my temporary part time schedule. I start my new job on Sept 6th...oh, but that's a holiday, so I get paid but I don't have to work - lol. Valerie said "What a way to start a new job - how cool is THAT?". My first day in the office will be Sept 7th. :)
I went over all the things I needed to, then told him about the ad in the paper. I told him that I applied for it - that I had been at this company for almost 5 years, and for my own professional development and personal growth I felt that it was time for me to do something different. He seemed to understand that. I told him it was not a reflection of how I felt about the company, and that it had been a very difficult decision to make, but that the position interested me and that I felt that it would be a positive move for me.
He was actually very cool about the whole thing. He was concerned about logistics during the busy foliage season and how the work would get done regarding coordinating the tour buses (which is my job). He said that he would ask Valerie if I would be able to work it into my schedule that I could be available one day a week or so to still help out with that until the crunch is over. I told him I wouldn't leave them hanging - of course I say that because in the interest of long-term relationships and due to the fact that I will still have contact with him, and that this is a small town, this is a very small price to pay. I would help train someone anyway, but the chances of them hiring someone in the next month are slim, so it's going to be tough for them. This will help preserve our working relationship in the long run, for sure. Hey, I still have to work with the guy on some level or another.
I do feel better now. Now my nervousness is more about starting a new job than anything. I've cleared three big hurdles today. The first one was talking to him, the second was having Valerie talk to him also and then call me and formally offer me the job, and the third was being offered the salary that I expected and not having him knock it down a few grand. Whew! I need a drink...
The rest of this week at work I will start to tie up loose ends. I'll be finishing projects that I've started, taking care of things that need to be taken care of, I'll start cleaning out personal things, etc. I've already cleaned out most of what I need to on my computer. I need to let my clients know where I'm going. I need to write down what I do because no one there really has a clue and if I were to just up and leave they wouldn't know... things like that.
Next week I'll be on vacation. One glorious week in Maine - I can't wait! We've been waiting far too long for this vacation and it's almost here.
When we get back the kids start school that Monday, and that week I'll spend finishing up the last of the loose ends and I'm sure I'll spend some time with my boss showing him around my office. We'll also go over my temporary part time schedule. I start my new job on Sept 6th...oh, but that's a holiday, so I get paid but I don't have to work - lol. Valerie said "What a way to start a new job - how cool is THAT?". My first day in the office will be Sept 7th. :)
Friday, August 13, 2004
Glad this week is over...
I'm still having a hard time getting used to journaling at LCT and blogging over here, but I like having both. Having this place allows me to be a little freer and a little deeper with my thoughts, even though I might not update it as consistently.
As I wrote over there, I got a clear sign today about my decision regarding the new job. I was waffling - trying to distinguish what it was that my gut was telling me. I couldn't hear it because the money was getting in the way. This morning I did what I haven't done in a long time - I asked for a sign - something that I wouldn't miss. We were so busy today - it was my day on the front desk - we had check out after check out, the phone wouldn't stop ringing, reservations galore, maintenance calls, etc...it was just non-stop. In the midst of all this P comes in and asks me to make her a dinner reservation for tonight. I couldn't believe it. Now, P is the most thoughtful, caring, wonderful person I have ever known, but every now and then she does something like this that makes my jaw drop and I just go "huh?" I shake my head in disbelief but I say "sure, no problem" with a smile. What I'm really thinking is "why can't you pick up the phone and do it yourself?". Then I had to call her and tell her that the restaurant couldn't take her at the time she wanted. She said she'd call her friend and CALL ME BACK. She did to tell me she'd made other arrangements at another restaurant - but I still had to call and cancel the first reservation that I'd made for the only time that they could take her.
This told me two things: That I have to leave this job, and that moving into my father's house is the right thing to do too. It will break all ties. P and I can still be friends and friends only, and I can start new with work.
Funny how things work out when you look.
I also stopped at the bank on my way home. The lady that I always see at the drive-through window who is SO nice and always remembers my name wasn't there. Then she ran up to the window from somewhere else in the bank to say hi - she said that she hasn't been there much. She just found out that she has breast cancer so she's had to take some time off. I gave her hugs through the window and wished her the best of luck.
Life is too short. Screw the money. I'm taking this job.
As I wrote over there, I got a clear sign today about my decision regarding the new job. I was waffling - trying to distinguish what it was that my gut was telling me. I couldn't hear it because the money was getting in the way. This morning I did what I haven't done in a long time - I asked for a sign - something that I wouldn't miss. We were so busy today - it was my day on the front desk - we had check out after check out, the phone wouldn't stop ringing, reservations galore, maintenance calls, etc...it was just non-stop. In the midst of all this P comes in and asks me to make her a dinner reservation for tonight. I couldn't believe it. Now, P is the most thoughtful, caring, wonderful person I have ever known, but every now and then she does something like this that makes my jaw drop and I just go "huh?" I shake my head in disbelief but I say "sure, no problem" with a smile. What I'm really thinking is "why can't you pick up the phone and do it yourself?". Then I had to call her and tell her that the restaurant couldn't take her at the time she wanted. She said she'd call her friend and CALL ME BACK. She did to tell me she'd made other arrangements at another restaurant - but I still had to call and cancel the first reservation that I'd made for the only time that they could take her.
This told me two things: That I have to leave this job, and that moving into my father's house is the right thing to do too. It will break all ties. P and I can still be friends and friends only, and I can start new with work.
Funny how things work out when you look.
I also stopped at the bank on my way home. The lady that I always see at the drive-through window who is SO nice and always remembers my name wasn't there. Then she ran up to the window from somewhere else in the bank to say hi - she said that she hasn't been there much. She just found out that she has breast cancer so she's had to take some time off. I gave her hugs through the window and wished her the best of luck.
Life is too short. Screw the money. I'm taking this job.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Money isn't everything...
So why am I having such a hard time with this? This morning I had the meeting that I've been waiting for. The job is mine. It will allow me to have some flexibility, some creativity, work with awesome people, use my strengths, and get out from under the thumb of a man who has caused me stress for the last five years. The kicker is that I take not a $3,000 pay cut like I thought but a $6,000 pay cut (I just did the math). Yikes. I already took a $6,000 pay cut earlier this year at THIS job. This is incredibly humbling. Not only is this hurting my pocketbook but my pride too. I have to get over that part. The pocketbook is the important part. I need to be able to pay my bills. I just feel like I'm moving backwards. How the hell are we ever supposed to get ahead if I keep taking pay cuts? But am I supposed to stay in a job that I hate because the pay is somewhat decent (not awesome, but decent)?
Ugh...ugh...ugh...
Ugh...ugh...ugh...
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Quite a crazy day...
It was busy!! Between getting the triglyceride numbers mixed up by the nurse, to the chest pains, I have had enough of medical stuff for one day. I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful, calming doctor who took the time to explain everything to me and made me feel at peace about everything. He's the best. I'm also grateful for all my online friends who took the time to check in on me and make sure I was ok. (((hugs)))
Tomorrow I meet with V about the potential job. The ad comes out in the paper tomorrow morning so it will finally be safe for us to talk openly about it. Hopefully she'll be able to make me an offer and it will be something I can accept. *crossing fingers* From the tone of our conversations over the last few days, though, I feel pretty positive about it. Once that hurdle is behind me and I give my notice I can go on vacation and move forward...
Tomorrow I meet with V about the potential job. The ad comes out in the paper tomorrow morning so it will finally be safe for us to talk openly about it. Hopefully she'll be able to make me an offer and it will be something I can accept. *crossing fingers* From the tone of our conversations over the last few days, though, I feel pretty positive about it. Once that hurdle is behind me and I give my notice I can go on vacation and move forward...
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Chest pains
I got quite a scare tonight. Just about when Mike was getting ready to leave for work, I started getting strange aches in my chest - on the left side. I ignored them, not wanting to worry anyone, and hoping that they would go away. He left for work. They got worse, and the aches turned into twinges, and radiated up into my neck - like I needed to crack my neck - but I couldn't.
I got online, but our internet connection has been sporadic and I couldn't navigate anywhere. The pages on WebMd wouldn't load. I started to get nervous as the twinges got more frequent. I tried to decide if I would wait it out, go to bed and hope that I would wake up in the morning, or if I would go to the hospital. I decided to call Mike on his cell phone. I told him not to be alarmed and calmly told him what I was feeling. He agreed that it didn't sound normal and that it at least warranted a call to the doctor.
I decided to call the hospital, rather than just go in, hoping that maybe I could talk to someone. I got the doctor on call, who happened to be my primary care doc (hooray!). He calmed me down, asked lots of questions about my symptoms, and explained that since I am so low risk, and considering what I was feeling, that he didn't think that it was my heart. He told me to take 4 Advil, put a heating pad on my chest to relax the muscles, and if the pain got worse or if my breathing got worse to go straight to the ER. Otherwise to check in with him in the morning. He's so awesome. He's the most calming doctor I've ever had. He just has this magical ability to make you feel better.
Going to bed now with my heating pad...
I got online, but our internet connection has been sporadic and I couldn't navigate anywhere. The pages on WebMd wouldn't load. I started to get nervous as the twinges got more frequent. I tried to decide if I would wait it out, go to bed and hope that I would wake up in the morning, or if I would go to the hospital. I decided to call Mike on his cell phone. I told him not to be alarmed and calmly told him what I was feeling. He agreed that it didn't sound normal and that it at least warranted a call to the doctor.
I decided to call the hospital, rather than just go in, hoping that maybe I could talk to someone. I got the doctor on call, who happened to be my primary care doc (hooray!). He calmed me down, asked lots of questions about my symptoms, and explained that since I am so low risk, and considering what I was feeling, that he didn't think that it was my heart. He told me to take 4 Advil, put a heating pad on my chest to relax the muscles, and if the pain got worse or if my breathing got worse to go straight to the ER. Otherwise to check in with him in the morning. He's so awesome. He's the most calming doctor I've ever had. He just has this magical ability to make you feel better.
Going to bed now with my heating pad...
Monday, August 09, 2004
Head's a-spinnin'
Ok, maybe it's from too little sleep last night and too much on my mind, but my brain is tired today. Just when I think I'm plugging along fine I hit a wall. We got through little Mike's accident ok, regrouped, then BAM! We start to get a little normalized, filled the fridge, and started to get back to business with planning for my upcoming job change, and the upcoming move, and all of a sudden little Mike is starting to give us grief about it again. Ginger thinks that he may be resistant to change because of what happened to him last week - she's probably right. Maybe a few nights of HGTV will help get him excited to move - it did last time - lol.
If all goes according to plan I've got just a few short weeks left at this job. I'm glad but nervous too. I've been here for five years and it's like an old shoe. A worn out shoe, though - one that's giving me a pain in my heel. It's time. I just hope that this prospect doesn't fall through. I'll know by Friday.
Stop the ride - I want to get off...
If all goes according to plan I've got just a few short weeks left at this job. I'm glad but nervous too. I've been here for five years and it's like an old shoe. A worn out shoe, though - one that's giving me a pain in my heel. It's time. I just hope that this prospect doesn't fall through. I'll know by Friday.
Stop the ride - I want to get off...
Friday, August 06, 2004
Disappointed
I hate to start my blog on this note, but I don't feel like I want to write this entry at LCT so I'm going to write it here. I'm really disappointed in my father for not showing more concern for Mike. I knew before too long the old dad that I have known all my life would come through again. Since my mom died I've been trying to make peace with him and keep my eye on him to make sure that he's ok, and he has been relatively involved in our lives, but in the back of my mind I've known that the regular contact has mostly been because I've initiated it. Now he's talking about moving to Ireland and having us take over his house. Then Mike gets hurt and he doesn't even call for a week to see if his grandson is ok or dying. Then when I call he acts like nothing ever happened.
Is he entirely self absorbed or is he avoiding the issue because he can't deal with the thought of anyone being hurt because he's still not over my mother's accident? I don't know, but this kid deserved at least a phone call from his grandfather - and at least on his birthday, no doubt.
What my therapist has told me rings true here for sure - that I learned long ago to take care of myself and not depend on anyone because they always let me down. It started at home - with him.
Is he entirely self absorbed or is he avoiding the issue because he can't deal with the thought of anyone being hurt because he's still not over my mother's accident? I don't know, but this kid deserved at least a phone call from his grandfather - and at least on his birthday, no doubt.
What my therapist has told me rings true here for sure - that I learned long ago to take care of myself and not depend on anyone because they always let me down. It started at home - with him.
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