Made me cry

On Being Mom
by Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and Author
2006

If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the black button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the yellow ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the lower lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin.

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton. Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what they taught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the, "Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame." The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, What did you get wrong? (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1.
And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their trueselves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.

The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.

Checking in

Need to ground myself for a moment and remind myself of how far we've come.

(1) torn up and replaced flooring in three bedrooms and dining/living room.
(2) cleaned existing carpets in weight room, foyer, stairs, and mud room
(3) Knocked down wall in kitchen and closet in bedroom
(4) Installed exterior french door in bedroom
(5) Installed wainscotting and trim in bedroom and bathroom
(6) Painted three bedrooms, living/dining room, kitchen, weight room, and one bath
(7) Had lock changed
(8) Purchased new washer/dryer & dishwasher
(9) Started installing bathroom floor
(10) Purchased vanity and sink for one bath
(11) Arranged for installation of 2 new toilets and one pedestal sink
(12) Installed water softening system
(13) Measured for new deck
(14) Arranged for replacement of shower/tub
(15) I'm sure there's more...

Still to be done:

(1) Finish painting weight room
(2) Finish flooring in downstairs bath and install hardware
(3) One more coat of paint in kitchen, and inside cabinets
(4) Install doors on old wood bin to make closet
(5) Replace flooring and paint in laundry room
(6) Paint mud room
(7) Paint hallway/stairs walls
(8) Install curtains & shades
(9) Get help with scary upstairs bathroom
(10) Install doors on old closet in weight room
(11) Major yard work (where to begin?)
(12) MOVE IN!!!
(13) Then there will be more, I'm sure.

Make it STOP!!

This seems to be a theme in my entries. This has been the longest, most stressful week I've had in some time. Work is nutty, my boss has no clue how long it takes to complete the projects he's giving me, the puppy is adorable but demands constant attention, my other dog is trying to play the big brother. We still have lots of work to do on the house and limited time to get it done, and the clock is ticking. I'm exhausted, stretched, overwhelmed, and I feel like crap. Maybe this was the wrong week to stop taking my anxiety meds...oy.

Combatting stress

This is a lesson that I learned a few times already - but have to keep fresh in my memory. Holding onto stress and trying to fix everything to make it work right only makes me crazy. "If this happens, then that will happen, then we can do this...but if that DOESN'T happen then this will happen and we can't do that or someone won't be happy...BUT if I do THIS and THAT then maybe it will work.............."

Jeez, louise, learn your lesson girl! Whatever is going to happen will happen no matter how much I try to fix it. I'm not completely responsible for everyone's happiness - I can only help the people who want to be helped - and helping doesn't mean doing everything for them. I have to learn to let go - and not to take things personally when I get slammed or ignored by someone I'm bending over backwards for. If I stay in the right frame of mind I can do that - but when I let my guard down and start to care it crushes me.

Thank god for Mike - he is a true lifesaver and the love of my life.

To Mom

I went to the house this morning and you wouldn't let me in. I saw the lock turn with my very own eyes. I asked you to please let me in - and when I tried the lock again you did.

I walked into the living room and knew you were there - no one has been there for days but me, and the chair in the corner was facing the wall. In the bedroom there was a drop of something sticky on the floor - like melted candy. No one in my family eats stuff like that - and no one has been there but me.

It's been 3 years today - so it was no surprise that you would make yourself known. Yes, it is my house now, but a part of it will always be yours and you are always welcome there.

I wish you hadn't ripped yourself out of all the photos of us just because you didn't like the way you looked. They were special to me. I still found some intact, though, amidst all the boxes, and your photo is on my bureau.

Love you, mom.

Sleep fairy?

Too much stress - need to sleep for a week. Went snowboarding and that helped a bit. Just tired and stressed...

Had a crazy busy weekend

Spent most of the weekend pulling up carpet, tile, and filling the humongous dumpster in the backyard. Emptied the downstairs crawlspace too. It's looking good, though.

Finding my way back to sanity

Things are calming down a bit...maybe the calm before the storm, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

(1) We moved my dad into his new place
(2) We're ALMOST done with moving his crap out of his old place
(3) We finished the estate work with the lawyer
(4) We told our landlord we're moving
(5) President's week is over
(6) Mike is away this week (not good that he's away, but getting through this means I can cross one more stressor off the list)
(7) Kids are on vacation - crazy schedules are on hold for now
(8) My boss is on vacation too

The next few months are going to be huge in the way of transition, but I know through the whirlwind we'll get through it. I'm just happy to not be in limbo anymore.

oh, so tired...

Wah, wah, wah. I'm whining. I've felt like crap for almost 2 weeks now - fighting a cold - losing then starting to win then losing again. It's really zapping my energy. Stress is, too - the stress of moving my dad, planning our renovations and the thought of packing up all our crap - it's all enough to make me want to sleep for a week. Now my brother is coming home for a week - which would normally be a good thing, because he can help us with the packing and all, but I know that he's really just coming home because we're doing estate planning - with which I will be given power of attorney for my dad's financial dealings, I'll be named executor of his will, also given power of attorney for his medical decisions should he be incapacitated, etc. The house is also going to be turned over to me, with the agreement that we pay off the mortgage. I told my brother that whatever net equity is in the house right now he will get in cash when dad dies. That will be updated in the will. The power of attorney is simply because since I'm paying all of his bills I have to be able to discuss his accounts with his creditors. It doesn't mean that I'll be taking his money. I understand that my brother doesn't want to get screwed, but he needs to understand that he's on the opposite coast from us and I'm the one here doing all the work - he'll get his equal share of the estate, I'll make sure of that.

I've been taking excedrine daily - which I don't usually need. A tropical vacation would be nice...but I just bought a dishwasher, washer & dryer yesterday to replace the ones in the house that are circa 1980...

Busy weekend, more just beginning

It was truly a busy weekend. I went snowboarding saturday, then to my daughter's bb game, then to my dad's to help him pack. Sunday was grocery shopping, 5 hours of packing and hoeing, and then the rest of the evening posting unwanted treasures on ebay. Today my hubby met with the electrician and the water filtration guy at the house, because it's his day off. I went to the cell phone store to replace his phone and re-evaluate our plans.

The coming weeks and months are going to be a whirlwind, with little to no downtime. But it will be worth it in the end...come summer when we're in our own home, renovated and decorated to our specifications. I cant' wait.

oh, and I won $100 on the football pool! :)

Friday and all is calm for the moment

I have been eating well for three days now, and am feeling more in control of things. I have exercised (not including snowboarding) for two days in a row, which is huge, considering that I haven't been to the gym in months. I ran yesterday on the treadmill and lifted today. My job now allows me a little more flexibility in the morning, which is great. I don't ALWAYS have to get to the gym at 5:30 if I don't want to - I can go at 7:30 after the kids leave for school and still get to work by 9:00, and that's fine. When I snowboard I'll get there between 9-9:30, and if I was REALLY ambitious, on those days I could even hit the gym early (but I'm not, so I don't think that will happen).

Planning and packing will likely take up much of this weekend. Fun fun fun!

One day down...

Did well eating on track yesterday. I avoided the rolls at dinner and didn't reach into the freezer to have one of those yummy cream puffs that live in there.

Today so far I've had my Ezekiel toast, a HB egg, and I'm going to have roast beef rollups for lunch. Lots of water, and I'm feeling more in control already.

Taking dad later to the estate lawyer to get his whole situation straightened out. Health insurance, will, power of atty, house, etc. That will be a relief when it's all said and done.

Getting back on track...

No more cinnamon bread
No more beer
No more chips
No more cookies
No more muffins
No more granola bars
No more rice
Less almonds
Less veggies for now
Less carbs
More exercise
More "real food"
Less weight
Less bloat
Happier me

Oh, and 5 runs this morning on crappy snow made for some serious exercise - I'm sore now.

Five runs in fresh powder

...pure heaven.

Twists and turns

Ok - I took a week off from snowboarding - it helped that it was raining - but my ankle still hurts. Oh well - I'm not staying off it all winter. I went up and took some runs this morning - beautiful.

Found an apartment for dad. Small studio in my friend's house. It will do for a while. Put him on the list for the local retirement home - which is BEAUTIFUL. He's 12th on the list, though, so it could be a while before his name comes up.

Getting ready to move him out of his house, then clean it up and start work on it so we can move in...except that I found out today that it was assessed for almost double what he told us. That could put a MAJOR kink in the works - as far as getting a mortgage goes. Well, maybe we'll rent it from him for a while. Bummer. Gotta make the move, though - found out that our landlord is looking at realtors - which means she's going to sell the house we're in and we'll have to find a place anyway. This sure is a roller coaster.

Gonna play hard, gotta pay the price

I went snowboarding this morning, like I've been doing every day this week. I take 3-4 runs then I go to work. Well, it's been a little icy, but I've been working on my speed and got some really great runs in yesterday.

This morning I got off the lift, there was about 2" of fresh powder (not much, but enough to cover the ice). I started off, gaining speed, having fun, then BAM! I don't know how I did it, but I was on a flat and I did a tumble-faceplant - bad enough that the guy behind me stopped to see if I was ok. My goggles came off, and when I stood up my ankle hurt. I thought I was going to have to heel down the entire mountain because it hurt to go onto my toe edge. I sat for a minute, pondering the situation. Then I got up, deciding to make the best of it. After a few minutes of carefully staying on my heel edge, I tested toe - not too bad. I was able to take slow, long turns and stick to an easier trail till I got to the bottom. Then I went to work - one lousy run, but I didn't want to push it.

Now I have a scrape on the bridge of my nose from my goggles, a swollen cheek, and a sore ankle. My boss said I should "get back on the horse" and go tomorrow - I will if my ankle feels ok. My new name here at work is Crash.

Gotta pay to play...

I am Supergirl...

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Isn't the weekend for resting?

I'm exhausted! We've been having trouble with our heat - long story but the tech has been here twice in a week - well, we still had heat last night, but the registers were clanging, rattling, etc so bad that we had the tv turned all the way up and couldn't hear it. This morning I called again and got a nice on-call guy on the phone. He thought we could adjust the pressure over the phone, so he talked me through it and told me to call him back if I had any more problems. An hour later I checked the furnace and the room had about 1/2" of water on the floor. Yikes! I called him back and he came over. Turns out that there is a leak in the pipe that heats the basement, which is also where our landlord's apartment is. He shut off her valve, bled the air out of our pipes so they wouldn't make any more noise, and said he'd put in a ticket for the pipe to be fixed and re-routed. It's buried under the cement floor so they have to make a new connection. The water literally comes up through the floor.

To top that off, the water softener wasn't working right - the tank was bone dry, so I had to reset that, put 5 bags of salt pellets in (I had to go to the store to get more) and hopefully that's all working nicely now.

Grocery shopping, got home and amanda's friend called so I dropped her off at her house, now here I am. Whew! I was going to work out today but I think I've made enough trips up and down the stairs that I don't have to.

I ran yesterday morning at the gym - my legs are sore today, but it was good. I had no trouble getting up and out on time - I just started to hit a wall at work around 3:00. Nothing a little coffee didn't cure.

I picked up my pass at the mountain yesterday, too, so after they open on Wednesday I'll be cruising on my snowboard. Can't wait! The mountain looks so pretty when it's white.

Can't even think about Thanksgiving yet - I bought a turkey today but that's as far as I got. Ugh.

Now I'm going to go take a nap!

Tomorrow it starts...

I did it. I re-joined the gym. I left the comfort of the cushy spa that I never had a chance to use, and joined up at my old no-frils but better-for-lifting gym. I will begin to reestablish my routine at 5:30 tomorrow morning. I will go every weekday morning after that. I've always said it takes 2 weeks to establish a routine and make it last, so that's what I'm going to do. With mike getting up at 4:45 am anyway, it makes it easier for me to get up too, rather than try to go back to sleep. I might as well be doing something productive instead of fighting to sleep for another hour until I HAVE to get up.

So I will get stronger, leaner, and firmer, but hopefully not bigger. I like my frame the way it is and I don't want to bulk up like I usually do when I lift. We'll see...

Update on the bike

I just checked my blog after almost 2 months and saw the comments regarding my last post. I just yesterday sent my aunt a check to purchase the bike, and asked her to keep it stored for me where it is for the winter. Now I just need to learn how to ride it! lol

The explorer is gone - we had that repair done, and it was running ok, but clearly getting older. Mike's friend who works at the ford dealership called us and told us about a 2003 that had just come in as a trade. He had the salesperson hold it aside for us and we went in to look at it. It only has 16,000 miles on it and it practically looks brand new. We brought the price down a little, had them wash and vac it and fill the tank with gas. I love it - it's so smooth and quiet.

So that's my vehicle update.

More later on the rest of my life - nothing too exciting - finally!