Sometimes you just feel all alone in the world

That's how I felt this past weekend. Mike talked to his friend "T" who runs our softball teams (the - team that we played on until this year, and the men's team that Mike still plays on...well, until the other day, that is). It turns out that our team members who thought that Mike played too hard, in reality said that if Mike played on the - team they would quit. We were stunned. These are people that we have played with and hung out with for the better part of the last 10 years...some have come along later than others, but we've had this team for that long, and we've had some really fun times. Our kids have grown up together, we've laughed, competed hard, won, lost, sweat, partied, fought, and then laughed some more.

I had stopped playing this year because I was told by another on the team (T's friend) that others were bad-mouthing Mike, saying he played too intensely, but I had NO idea that they had formed a revolt. This just blew us both away. Yes, Mike plays seriously - he's a player and has been since he could pick up a ball - but he doesn't criticize, he's the first to help and encourage someone, he doesn't lose his temper, he doesn't throw bats and gloves like a few of the other guys, he doesn't argue, he doesn't drink during the games and after a game he usually has just one or two if that, he's just GOOD - REALLY GOOD.

Well, he waffled back and forth about how to handle this situation. We talked about it Friday night. We decided he had three options: He could continue to play on the men's team, be a really big jerk and sarcastic (which we both decided wasn't the right way to handle it), he could play even harder, like he used to years ago when he was on more competitive teams - and when they complained about it he would say "and you thought I played hard BEFORE?", or he could call another team that he knew wanted him and play for them. T was really torn up about it and isn't going to sponsor either team next year because he's sick of being in the middle all the time. Note, however, that he didn't tell them all to go pound sand when this group staged the revolt - a true friend would have said that Mike had been on the team longer than any of them, and who the hell did they think they were to make such a demand - but he didn't - he didn't have enough of a spine - not because he didn't want to stand up for Mike, but because he couldn't risk people not liking him. Mike called him on that fact - and asked him what he would have done if Mike told him he still wanted to play. T avoided the question. Then Mike asked him what he would do if he were in his situation. T said he would quit - and that he wanted to play with Mike next year - and that he would play with him anywhere. I do believe that. He's not a bad guy, just got put in a bad situation.

So Mike called the other team and asked if there was still room for him, and told the quick and dirty story. The response was "my guys would give their left nut to play with you" - lol. The deal was done. He felt better that he was on a team that wanted him, but the fact of the matter still was that our "friends" turned on us and hung us both out to dry. We have no idea why. We didn't do or say anything to any of them. We don't even see each other all winter long. We know that some of them did start to hang out more toward the end of last summer, and things were getting cliquey (sp?) but why target Mike? And last Sunday at the game we got there and there was a big tent with lots of food and it turned out that it was someone's birthday. No one called us and asked us to bring anything - I would have gladly contributed. I went up and talked to a few of the women (this was before we knew all of this), then I put my chairs near theirs, and everyone congregated on the other side of the tent. I sat by myself for the entire time. It was so blatant that I knew something was up. Even my friend who ALWAYS sits with me sat with the others.

Well, Saturday I was overcome with an intense feeling of grief. Just loss and loneliness - and strange, because these people were people we hung out with twice a week in the summer and fall, but not close close friends who I would tell my deepest secrets to. Still, I just felt overwhelming sadness. After carting the kids around and grocery shopping, I escaped for a few minutes and went to my mother's gravesite. I knelt next to her stone and the tears just came. I leaned on the stone and just sobbed. It all was just so wrong. Things had come full circle. Mike and I started our life together in Boston when we first got married with awesome friends - his friends from high school & college and their wives, and they were great. Then everyone, including us, moved away and we were alone in Vermont - then we made new friends, not the same quality, but still friends, and now we feel alone again. I'm glad we have each other but it makes me wonder why we were thrown out in the cold the way we were.

Sunday I biked the 23 miles to Mike's game - his new team is great. The atmosphere felt like that of his old team a long time ago. The guys' friendly heckling was refreshing and reminded me of years past. There were few women - only one other, actually - I introduced myself and watched the game with the kids. I cheered the guys on - and we had fun. Then we went for chinese food and went home. It was a good day.

I'm not sure how I'll be when I see the others around town. I'll probably just look away. If they come up to me and act like nothing happened then I'll have to be prepared with something but I'm not sure what. We'll see, I guess. They hurt us both - very badly. I won't forget.